Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
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the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Bartenders are just boneless bars
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago