Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
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I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming