Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I want to travel the world in the new year

Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..

Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.

Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?

Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.

I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings

Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…

*seductively eats two tums*

Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?

It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.

The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive

There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.

The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…

Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5

Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…

Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis

Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*

Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.

I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips

if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life

When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead