DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
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What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
going to the ER y’all need anything
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day