Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl

14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘

14: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

[at dog park]

ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.

THEM: is, is that a crab?

ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.

Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained

Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you

Me: like I said, it’s trained

Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp

I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.

When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “

Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”

ME: Hey, what are you building?

PAL: A new kitchen counter

ME: That seems…

PAL: Please don’t

ME: …counterproductive

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.

My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.

If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.

Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?