Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.

[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]

me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?

Her: Make me a mimosa.

Me: But we’re out of orange juice.

Her: I don’t see the problem.

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?

– my 8yo while doing one chore

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?

Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!

Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off

Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.

shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating

rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*

shaggy: this is serious she has me on video

rikrok: say it wasn’t u?

shaggy: ok i’m gonna go

I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations

HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes

MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed

the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”

Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence

If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.

Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)

What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.

wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household

this article brought to you by lions

my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me

me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

1977: stayin’ alive

2020: stayin’ alive

Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.

* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?

#merica

Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.