Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.

Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.

Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?

Me: yes

Therapist: then maybe-

Me: *looking up from phone* wait no

Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.

Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.

Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?

Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?

On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?

Losers.

girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird

me: ok

[later at the funeral]

me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence

This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.

Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!

I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.

My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults

Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.

At a fried chicken place, looks delicious

[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?

It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?

Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born

5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool

Doctor: Your children are very healthy

Me: Good

Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger

Me: I know

Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger

Me: *trembling* I know

Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.

My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”

The student has surpassed the master

Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible

7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*

I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It

My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.