Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?

i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it

Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?

Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there

Cop:….

Me:..

Cop: sir, your tailamp is out

Me:…

I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.

Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.

Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days

People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.

getting old is fun

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you

Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’

Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’

Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’

grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—

me: it’s not controversial

grampa: don’t start

me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men

grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—

me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—

grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.

They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars

“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there

Two-word love stories:

Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea

My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.

I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.

Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.

I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life

*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*

As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.

The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.

Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.