Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe

Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*

Me: I’m hot.

Husband: *turns on AC*

Me: I’m cold.

H: *turns off AC*

Me: I’m hot.

H: *jumps out of car*

Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.

I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.

1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data

i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.

if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch

I like my whiskey like my marriage….

On the rocks.

In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.

It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.

casino dealer: ok all bets on the table

cat: [pushes bets off the table]

dealer: stop that are you in or out

cat: YES

[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]

“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”

The original Alien is the best because of the smoking. No futuristic nicotine delivery. Just blasting cigs around all that sensitive space equipment. That’s the direction technology advanced: to allow cigarettes in spacecrafts.

“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

Yes I do enjoy a morning donut and an afternoon donut why do you ask?

future wife: how many alarms did you set

me: don’t worry about it

wife: how many

me: twenty seven

wife: set three more

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359

The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.

Did you know Yoda has a last name?

It’s Layheehoo…

I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????

My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.

[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”

I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet

Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis