Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
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Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
typical orange cat and void cat behavior
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Every
Single
Year
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!