date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
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I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
I am never leaving this website
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed