date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
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dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
me hitting on a model
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
I’m already scared
This is no longer winter this is harassment
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
happy valentine’s day to me
being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN