date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
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[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*