Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *hanging off a cliff*

Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-

Kids: What’s for dinner?

If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them

every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun

knock knock

who’s there

Reggie

Reggie who?

The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood

My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”

ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog

Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it

Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.

Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol

this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)

“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.

Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?

Me: No, I’m good.

Husband: Are you sure?

Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…

and if you can a coke…

and a cheeseburger…

Can you also swing by Taco Bell?

are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies

Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.

I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.

A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

Bruh PLEASE

Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”

Me: *dances*

Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”

People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.

Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.

My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?

Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.

doctor: what seems to be the problem

me: it seems like u should be telling me

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.

If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously

There’s only one good girl here!

Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.

My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.