Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.

[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)

My humor is broken

Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

[4 hours later]

Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes

Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.

Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.

I CALL BULLSHIT

Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:

Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!

INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that

Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows

just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex

Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.

*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*

Me: Hey babe…who did this?

Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul

Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

[trick-or-treating]

Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!

Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]

My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]

My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.

Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly

– autocorrect

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”

*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-