Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

– Alien Vs Creditor.

If you had purchased extra tape a month ago, then put it away in a safe place until it was time to wrap presents, where–hypothetically–might that have been

My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.

7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.

If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?

Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week

ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]

[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle

how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms

me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around

boss: you’re still fired

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.

Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.

Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.

5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants

In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”

Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.

Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me

most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.

next question.

My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.

Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

hmmmmmm

A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.

You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.

I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.

Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.

It’s called “Camera”.