DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
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There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
CRYING
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news