DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
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Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Haha good job!!
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
just make the entire table out of coaster
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Stop judging people for what app they escape reality with and go back to judging them for what month they were born in
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
man i love columbo
