Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

Them: “Live in the moment!”

Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”

[before date]

friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that

[date]

her: so tell me about y-

me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.

John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense

Me: So where’s all the security?

John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own

“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.

I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?

No weirdos.

(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!

I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.

help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

[camping]

Her: *pointing* What’s that?

Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears

H: *tuts*

M: We’re safe as long as it’s there

H: Right…

*later – cut to me eating the sammich*

*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*

M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so

Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.

ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

Do I speak Spanish?

Oui!

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”

Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.

did it work

If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?

Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault

Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night

Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here

Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.

Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?

6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?

Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–

6: –Oh, were you there?!

Me:

How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.