Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”

Going to work bro it’s Wednesday

My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.

My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad

Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.

I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

Me: I’m gonna go work on your car

Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t

I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’

I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children

“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.

The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.

I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”

4yo: can you get this open for me?

Me: oomph this is kinda tough

4yo: use your claws

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe

Zoo employee 1: oh no

Zoo employee 2: oh no

Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no

I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice

NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family