Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that

As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose

You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?

LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore

CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*

“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.

[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened

Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.

A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.

The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.

My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches

I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.

I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating

Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?

GOOGLE: *please create password*

ME: *Giraffe_Neck*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *The_Revenant*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *CVS_receipt*

GOOGLE: *dude*

So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk

The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]

Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea

Magician: *waves hand* done

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?

Feyonce.

*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.

it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut

I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.

Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy

Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”

Looking forward to all the photos of people putting Luigi on top of their Christmas tree

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.