Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.

There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.

*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*

People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad

You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.

Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.

GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy

when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week

[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*

what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you

Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.

Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with

Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.

My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there

Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament

A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.

poor people rarely die from ski related injuries

if a staircase can spiral so can i.

Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.

[texting]

So what’s your name?

“ily”

omg this is moving too fast.

ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?

Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.

A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.

A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”

Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing

I have a magnetic* personality

*Clingy and obsessive.