Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.

Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?

Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: then can I give some feedback?

me: I told you no

My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis

I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”

The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.

I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.

Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…

If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.

lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics

I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?

My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.

Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice

angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished

John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice

Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-

John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE

First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.

Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”

wife: i think the zoo is closing.

me: pff how are they going to make us leave?

(lions roaring in the distance)

Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend

Me: That tail tho

the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce

things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves

If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”

Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.

The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.

When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.

*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?