Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.

[first date]

HER: i’m really into guys-

ME (eager to impress her): me too

Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.

I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.

my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.

no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????

Psychologist : What is troubling you.?

Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.

Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?

Me : Next Monday.

Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am

JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]

If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.

Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?

You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.

you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates

I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.

Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.

Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.

My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.

Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?

(kids playing upstairs)

*loud crash*

Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

(Husband asks to see my phone)

Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.

I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.

Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”

my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.

[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”

(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)

If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.

Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved

Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?

Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me