Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
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People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.