Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
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cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Flowers bee like
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
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Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.