Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
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When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave