Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?

Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.

under no circumstances will my brother take the L

One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?

jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob

Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊

How to wake up a Beagle

Short story

I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.

-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.

What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?

I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler

Body by sandwich.

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”

I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.

[listening to twenty one pilots]

ME: ok ok one at a time

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

Them: “Did you know you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?”

Me: “Oh my brain does that when I’m out and I see people I know”

Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.

My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.

Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance

me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

me: *swallows another quarter* no

if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way

I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.