Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
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Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Omg 🤣
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.