Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.

People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?

Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian

Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.

Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?

School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

Parents: Never talk to strangers!

Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?

bags with threatening auras

The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.

“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”

– Airbnb owners, probably

Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.

I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.

Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.

Stop me if you’ve heard this already.

-said no kid ever

“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.

Cherry seeds are just the pits.

The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.

Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…

Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Me: Let me ask my mom

Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!

Me: She said no

The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon

Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?

Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago

A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?

#oldknees

I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.

Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?

Me: Chloroform

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230

My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.