date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
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Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
so weird how every mom was born today
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good