date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
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by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Which wines pair best with gloating?
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady