Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.

My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.

There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.

Dermatologist just told me this surgery is going to leave a scar.

Can we have a moment of silence for the death of my modeling career?

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: why

Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued

Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were

Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.

I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.

Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.

If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.

when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans

4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.

I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

After how many years should you clean your microwave?

[2000]

Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice

As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.

The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…

[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH

Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.

Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.

If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die

*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.