Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
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Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.