date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
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I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
🤣🤣🤣🤣
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
who wants to go expliring
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.