Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish

CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this

I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.

Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”

Me: You’re so selfish!

Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.

Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..

I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.

Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.

You are a psycho with mascara.

Breakfast: Banana Bread

Lunch: Orange Creamsicle

Dinner: Carrot Cake

Vegetarianism is hard.

I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.

Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife

My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.

I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.

Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost

Wife: *asks question*

Me: *gives answer*

Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…

Me: How can I make this funny?

Them: Change what funny is.

My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s

Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”

I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.

Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear

Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.

have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job

The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.

“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.

You look like you would fail a DNA test

can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

Friend: My car is making a weird noise

Me: Have you tried essential oils?

My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.

Ask me how I know.