Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles

Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.

My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me

Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern.

@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.

inmate: hey man why so sad

me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone

inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?

me: not the one with the file in it

KILLER [burying me alive]:

ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.

KILLER [calls the police]:

*getting murdered*

Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert

Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.

Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.

We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

lifeguard pulling me to shore: what

Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!

I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.

Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.

Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.

But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.

Stay woke, friends.

doctor: do you drink alcohol?

me: yeah a couple times a week

doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually

The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives

Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped