Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes

I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”

Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes

Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?

5: it was really loud

Me: loud?

5: yes because I screamed the whole time!

[speed dating, today]

him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!

*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?

Steve: what?

Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.

My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.

I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires

[Getting ready to go out]

Her: Is that what you’re wearing?

Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.

I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.

what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”

Me: when is your birthday

Her: March 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.

The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.

Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.

Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope

Doctor: stethoscope

Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.

I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age

I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!

but nooooo, he’s still alive

when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma

my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does

You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?

Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out

Me: Ok then

[later that evening]

Dentist: Well this is nice

My tooth: I’m having a lovely time

BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

I am interested in:

⚪️ men

⚪️ women

🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive

If Reincarnation ends up being real…

Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly

Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV