Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
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ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG