Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
You Might Also Like
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
house sitting!
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out