Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
You Might Also Like
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.