Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
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ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart