Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.

Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…

Me: What’s the problem?

Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!

Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.

My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened

*watching an old Lassie show

Me: How come you can’t do those things?

Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.

[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here

I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one

customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon

me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member

My heart 😭

“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”

THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤

Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.

A HERO

KNOW HER NAME!

Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful

I’m just glad DoorDash doesn’t do a wrap-up of my year like Spotify does.

wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”

coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth

Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!

WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet

May never get over this

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?

[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in

“It’s been a bit of a day”

Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

Glass caskets: will they become popular?

Remains to be seen.

Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats

Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.

Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?

[jaws theme plays]

Me: omg

Shark groom: omg she’s here

[First day as villain]

Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]