Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.

You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”

Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser

“…Actually the position has been filled”

So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.

I’m thinking about giving up sugar.

Ok. I’m done thinking about it.

Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.

For Sale:

baby shoes, never worn.

too small.

should have bought adult shoes.

The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble

GOD: I call those trees and plants

ANGEL: very beautiful

GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them

ANGEL: dude who hurt you

Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….

Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?

[in music class]

Teacher: Be sure to take good notes

Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?

opens dishwasher…

Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot

Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow

Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?

If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat

I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.

Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.

Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.

my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s

Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff