*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
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Justin Beiber has 23 million followers and I just got unfollowed by a horse magazine.
I sometimes lie awake and wonder how much useful information I’ve left out of my brain to make room for these Hanson songs.
My dog is so passive-aggressive. She let me sleep in late this morning, but then counter-surfed and stole my breakfast.
one time this girl pulled me close & said “I’m the girl your mom warned you about” & I said “so you chose bulbasaur as your starter pokemon”
Girls that try to flirt with guys on Twitter are pathetic.
Guys, if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*