date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
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My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.