date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
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This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
can’t catch a break
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore