DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
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People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
How do you milk an almond?
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch