Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.

Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..

Her: Yes I did.

Me: No you didn’t.

Her: Yes I did.

Me: Oh you’re good!

Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

LOL

[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen

[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]

Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time

*seductively annoys the shit out of you*

no refunds

My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”

I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.

My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT

Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet

It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again

Gas stations be like:

Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.

What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free

ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe

In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.

A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.

“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.

nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing