DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
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MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Dear Mom & Dad,
Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.
Love,
The best daughter ever
every day my youngest daughter asks if i am here for the “silly billy look-a-like contest.” how much of this is a good man meant to take before he is radicalized
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Doormats are a gateway rug.