DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
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ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties