Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.

Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.

My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new

[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]

Her: faster! faster!

Me: oh god no

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!

Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.

Me: I need an extension.

My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.

I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?

I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!

PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends

hey can I use your bathroom?

cashier: only paying customers

jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-

If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping

Who wants to be my Valentine?

surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson

50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.

My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle

The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us

How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat

Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.

Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.

[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”

spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks

I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast

Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?

13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.

Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.

13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.

Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum

He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage

Me: I choose Truth!

Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?

Me: …I choose Dare!

Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?

Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.

Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.