Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt

they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way

Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.

I saw your link on Facebook.

What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.

At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS

Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.

dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything you have in the house

– cook two to fourteen hours.

I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”

That’s it. I’m done with people.

9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”

Me: “Well,-“

9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”

Me: …

9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”

Me: …

9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”

i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.

Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman

American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.

British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a physiologist.

Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.

EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS

God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.

Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.

Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”

evil queen: would you like an apple?

me [is snow white]: nah not really

evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!

me: meh, even so