Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”

ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol

*pats belly*

Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?

Me: Yes. Nachos.

the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow

I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early

[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?

GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff

Me: why not?

GENIE: I make the rules

ME: I wish I made the rules

GENIE: …dammit

“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.

if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.

This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol

That eye roll….

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.

“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots

Ugh

Mobster: we need to set up a shell company

Lobster: let me handle this, boss

Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.

YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine

Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.

My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.

Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.

When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him

Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”

They were going to a funeral.

@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.