Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
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My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
our love story in four pictures
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.