@DrakeGatsby

Date: These lamb chops are great

Me: They’re missing something

Date: Like what?

Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste

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@Just_A_Guy72

NPR is reporting terrorists are using twitter.

I call bullshit.

After logging on, most of us aren’t motivated enough to get dressed

@weinerdog4life

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

@SirEviscerate

TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?

@tigersgoroooar

If you want a Christmas card from me, message me your address and pray I die and get reincarnated as someone who gives a shit what you want.

@HomeWithPeanut

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

@jake_likes_naps

[Ouija board]

“Hey spirits, talk to us”

W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E

“fml”

@OFalafel

I keep randomly shouting out ‘Broccoli’ and ‘Cauliflower’ – I think I might have Florets.

@CroweJam

“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.

@Dad_At_Law

9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.