Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
You Might Also Like
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
All I remember about college is that everyone was saying the word dichotomy. The teachers, the students. I heard a janitor say it once.
Saw a phone booth. Hopped in. Came out. Didn’t become Superman.
Now it just looks like I was hiding while that lady was getting mugged.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us