@DrakeGatsby

Date: These lamb chops are great

Me: They’re missing something

Date: Like what?

Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste

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@LostCatDog

You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.

@Palumbros

All I remember about college is that everyone was saying the word dichotomy. The teachers, the students. I heard a janitor say it once.

@Brianhopecomedy

Saw a phone booth. Hopped in. Came out. Didn’t become Superman.

Now it just looks like I was hiding while that lady was getting mugged.

@junejuly12

Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

@chris_witha_see

That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years

@Quartzjixler

I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.

@NoDomesticDiva

A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.

@david8hughes

[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us