DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
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Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
And that about sums it up.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house