Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”

Superman is strong enough to move the moon, and can fly fast enough to reverse the earth’s rotation, but his most impressive ability is having a steady journalism job.

just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile

I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.

If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.

[first day as burglar]

me : OMG SNACKS

HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”

Me: They were donut holes

HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”

Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?

HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing

[getting pulled over]

ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?

MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me

[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*

urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium

[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s

After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one

Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.

I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.

jesus christ confetti not now

Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.

I’ve been laughing for an hour straight

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*

Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”

Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.

I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?

HER: i mean what else would it be

My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….