Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

Her: Please be on your best behavior.

Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.

I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.

STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST

1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy

When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.

People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.

why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave

I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.

The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.

Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.

All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”

Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”

~ now I’m scared

Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.

8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?

M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?

New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?

So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…

The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…

People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones

{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*

[1st date]

-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.

I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG