Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR

If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.

Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!

Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.

A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.

I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?

[aquarium]

*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it’s just a backpack.

Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!

um, fish

starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”

Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing

This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday

This evening, I’m learning to play the drums

Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.

[In car, headed to store]

7: What’s wrong, Mommy?

Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.

[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]

Me: *scratches*

7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?

New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!

When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost

[shopping for school supplies with kids]

7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds

Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.

“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”

I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.

“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.

I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.

Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.