Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty

My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.

Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners

Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*

Me: here’s the thing Curp

Lowes employee: it’s Curt

Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.

I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.

[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]

Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—

Real mother: get out.

[credits roll]

My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.

People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE

Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals

“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life

I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.

Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.

Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”

A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.

Which one of you was it?

When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you

FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it

Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?

Me: …

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…

“I’m not a fan.”

-air conditioner

If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.

“i miss shittin on people”

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.

[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out

I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about