Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.

I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

[Italian restaurant]

LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”

TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless

Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.

When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him

Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?

Me: Yeah! Slept.

Husband: Correct, good night.

[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”

Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation

I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.

Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?

Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.

UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”

Steven: Good evening

Stephen: Good ephening

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective

Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.

When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.

Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”

Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”

“Sounds awf…”

“Awesome. I know.”

estão todos miauvindo?