Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones

Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?

Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.

Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.

Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.

When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.

A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.

Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse

Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…

5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!

Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]

Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute

*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?

Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.

If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.

Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!

“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.

There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you

I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,

“You’re making a big moose steak.”

best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!

When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment

Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.

Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop

stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.

You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.

Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.