DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
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OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Most Common Source of Electricity
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
why I oughta
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.