Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
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If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.