Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?

a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat

It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.

Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.

[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.

Throwing a Don’t Kill Yourself Dinner Party where everyone brings a dish so delicious that we remember why life is worth living

One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you

My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.

She’s my Japaniece..

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.

Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.

I’m really happy being single

Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.

On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.

– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.

Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.

My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.

[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]

My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.

Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.

Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?

Me: When she comes

Him: I know but when

Me: When she comes dude

Him: That’s not a time

Me: I’m going off of the information I have

Him: Do you know the horses she has?

Me: Yes six white horses

Him: See how do you know that

Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress

She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.

twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)

“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.