Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

HIM: Sure.

SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE:

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.

People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!

The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.

Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder

Teens – Slay all day

20s – Rosé all day

30s – Bidet all day

40s – Bengay all day

Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?

Haven’t had a conversation like this in months

Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans

ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?

WIFE: For real

ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.

Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.

Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.

Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise

Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.

When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.

Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:

ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape

INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.

Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.