Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.

When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.

Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes

About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.

Don’t frighten the programmers!

WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma

They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.

Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…

Me: What’s the problem?

Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!

My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.

Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.

BOSS: why are you late?

ME:

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

Some people were born into their job.

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.

If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”

Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!

I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?

STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?

PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.

my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”

You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.

Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.

The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called

[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]

ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery

Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!

Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.

Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*

M: …ignore that.

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Me: Like I want to stab someone.

Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.

Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.