Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”

[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour

me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go

“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.

If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.

Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!

Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?

*is taken back to a Christmas Eve in my 20s*

Me: Oh, wow! Look how skinny I am! Look at my flat belly before having my kids! Look how well rested I am! Look at…

Ghost of Christmas Past: *sighs* That’s not what the point of this is

Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅

Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies

If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

What the dentist sees

My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.

coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing

Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.

Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours

The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap

ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮

My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.

me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate

them: why can’t you just say it’s raining

Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction