Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time

i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before

Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.

Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.

During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.

Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.

“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”

Oh dear you thought wrong.

Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

Not helping

I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key

Yup.

Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.

Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.

After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.

people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom

[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.

You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.

Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click

People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.

When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…

$85

When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…

Priceless.

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me

Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.

When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.

DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*

A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.

My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.