Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”

Who?

“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”

-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having

[house hunting]

Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy

HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: omg, me too

Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it

Me: I’m not surprised

Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk

Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat

The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.

Me: Our neighbor is such a perv

Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?

Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep

Truth. 😆😭😮‍💨

If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.

Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work

Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate

I only look at Wordle for the articles

According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.

Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can’t help you.

ODE TO TWITTER

🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶

Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon

[a door mysteriously slams shut]

me: *spooked* what was that

the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol

me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open

“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”

911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?

“AAAH he ripped my arm off”

911: Which one did, sir

Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars

Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.