Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
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What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
There’s never enough good news
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water