Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
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With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
