date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
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I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
my professor scared me for a second
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:
“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”
Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
We need it on priority
