Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

Most fashion shows these days…

Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus

ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?

ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along

ME: We really need you on top the horse

I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

Me when the elevator tries to leave without me

‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.

“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.

Dear Santa,

I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.

Oh, SONOFA-

While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.

“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies

Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold

*cue explosion*

PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN

*fade to black*

As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.

I’m more “fermented”.

I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.

Good Morning.

I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:

Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate

Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.

Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?

E1: Lol, “amusement park.”

At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.

Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.

VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands

Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.