Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
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When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Bruh 😂
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay