Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
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If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
out-housing market appears to be strong
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
